Away From Her
by JoChryedLover
Summary: The Tenth Doctor reflects on what losing Rose has done to him. The Doctor's POV


**Using the lyrics of one of Andrew Landon's songs/poems, I came up with the idea for this fic.**

**It truly is a beautiful song/poem, and if you haven't heard it, I recommend searching for it on YouTube =]**

**[The lyrics of the song/poem are in bold]  
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**xoxoxo**

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She's lovely, her hands are trembling because she was moved by my love. My sorrow. Because no one has ever loved her with this passion**  
The Doctor looked around the empty TARDIS. Thinking of Rose. Thinking of how he had lost her again. He had never told her of his love for her. His undying love.

**Because she is almost 20 years old and yet if she died the next day, there would be no one to mourn like I would. She knows I would still mourn after more than 20 years**  
Rose was 20 years old. She hadn't really died, but without her here, he felt like she had died. And he had mourned her ever since that day. Since that day he had lost her. And he would never stop mourning her.

**I fell in love with her because the first thing I had done to her was hurt her. I might have never noticed her as a person if I had not seen the pain in her eyes**  
He had hurt her by regenerating. He still remembered the pain in her eyes after he had changed right in front of her. And he remembered the pain in her eyes when he had almost regenerated again. She had begged him to stop. And so he had. He had stopped for her.

**The time came and I was waiting for her to leave. I didn't wait. I wasn't really able to think about what was happening. I was just there**  
After he had lost her the first time, he never realised what was happening, at first. As he felt her through the wall, on the other side of the universe, he couldn't bare it. He couldn't wait for her to leave first. And so he had left.

**When I went to drive to see her for the last time, it didn't seem like the last anything. I don't remember driving home. Unlocked the door, closed all my windows. Took a bath. I sat. I listened to the phone ring and went to bed. It was that day again, and then it wasn't.**  
When he had travelled to the parallel universe to say goodbye to her, it didn't feel like the last time that he would see her. He didn't really remember what had happened after he had been forced to leave her. He just remembered Donna appearing in the TARDIS.

**This was several times happening**  
He had been left so many times. Barely hours after he had lost Rose, Donna had left him. Then, only a short time later, Martha had left, because being with him had tore her apart. Now, he had lost them all all over again. Martha had left with Jack. He had been forced to make Rose stay in the parallel universe. And he had lost Donna because of his second regeneration. He was alone again.

**Sometimes I'd reach out to touch her face so I'd know I wasn't alone**  
He'd reached out to her, separated by the wall dividing them. It made him feel close to her. For that brief moment, it made him feel like she was still with him. It had made him feel like he wasn't alone.

**Someone said that the pain would go away but I'm not sure that's where I want it to go**  
He had always told himself and everyone around him that he was fine. But he knew, deep down, that he was anything but fine. He was hurting. But he didn't want the pain to leave him. He didn't want to get over Rose. He didn't want to forget her.

**It's how I feel her most sharply, and without it...Every move I make echoes because she's not here to absorb me. I don't like bouncing back at myself**  
Without Rose in the TARDIS, he felt empty. Every steo he took echoed around the empty walls. He often found himself talking to himself, for one brief moment, he forgot that he was alone.

**An ex lover wants your soul, wants your life then your death too. And you give it, its the only way to feel anything again**  
He had been cruel to Martha. He had used her to get over Rose. And she had fell for him. He hadn't expected that to happen. He hadn't planned to hurt her. He just wanted to be able to feel something, anything, again.

**It's no event, It's nothing that happened, it's just you. The anger and the beauty that never really goes away. It's not something you could wait out as it disappears, nothing ever really just disappears**  
The anger of losing Rose would never leave him. It had effected him more than losing any of his other companions. He didn't know why Rose had come to mean so much to him. He knew that he would never get over her. The pain would never disappear. Hearing her name would always keep her fighting.

**My mind still clings to the image of her. Love grows far beyond the physical person. It finds it's deepest meaning in her spiritual being, her inner self. Whether or not she's actually present...Somehow it's important to me**  
At times when he did actually sleep, Rose's image always found it's way into his dreams. Not a second passed when he didn't think of her. Even though she wasn't with him, she was still the most important thing to him.

**I just wish the people you want the most, want you just the same. I wish the people you were with for so many years are actually your soul mates, are actually the people you do marry**  
He wished that life could be simple. But he knew that, as the last of his kind, he could never have a normal life. He wished that he was able to be with one person; his Rose. But for him, everything had to come to an end.

**I miss being so comfortable knowing that she loved me, thinking nothing would tare us apart**  
Before that day in Torchwood Tower, he had thought that Rose would be with him for the rest of her life. He had started to think that he would have been able to cope with watching her grow old and die, as long he had been able to share every moment with her.

**She's gone and I can't do anything about it. And that's the hardest part, is when you can't do anything about it when you know you want to and you know you would if you could**  
He knew that he would have done anything he could to have gotten her back. And one day, she had came back to him. And for those brief moments afterwards, he had thought that everything would be OK. He had thought that he could be truly happy again.

**But you're happy, if she's living her life in happiness and in love, even if it's not with you. You're happy, You're happy because at least she's still smiling...**  
His second regeneration had spoiled that dream. Because his second self couldn't be left alone. He needed Rose, just like he had himself when they had first met. But at least she was happy. She was with him, in a way, and she could be with him forever. Even though she wasn't with him, she was happy. And, for just a moment, he was happy too.


End file.
